Ruth Armstrong

Ruth Armstrong

Ruth Armstrong is not everything she seems but is larger than life in many ways (especially in clothing with elasticated waistbands). Please select the persona you would most like her to be from the options below:

The illegitimate child of a minor royal, Ruth ran away from her alcoholic mother at the age of 13. Joining the circus as an apprentice llama handler, she went on to wow Europe with her antics on the flying trapeze, and was famous for her succession of Hollywood lovers. Sadly a tragic accident  with pinking shears brought an untimely end to her illustrious career. Ruth now lives in a cottage by the sea, where she is cared for by her only daughter, Camelia, who acts as both nursemaid and secretary for her mother's literary outpourings.

A retiring housewife from Ilfracombe, Ruth has seven children and breeds Old English sheepdogs. She types by candlelight and tells her husband that she is composing chutney recipes for the WI. At 17 Ruth lost  her virginity to a dentist from Stockholm – who broke her heart but did excellent work on her root canals. Since then she has led a relatively uneventful life, working  Tuesdays and Thursdays lunchtimes in the Artful Crumpet Tea Shoppe, and devoting much of her free time to flower arranging.

As a professor of paleontology, Ruth travelled extensively in the Middle East, before accepting a position at one of Oxford' leading colleges. An accomplished saxophonist and the author of several slim volumes of poetry about Hitler's mother, Ruth is a fierce exponent of reinstating the Latin mass. In the late 60s she was briefly married to a man from Del Monte but now lives with her lover, a female plumber from Northampton.

If none of these descriptions satisfy your curiosity, then that's unfortunate. Surely you wouldn't want to discover that Ruth is a middle-aged PR consultant who owns cats and lives in Essex. And sometimes wears pearls but most often is seen in crushed velvet, being a bit of an ageing hippy? And is happily married and has never had an affair – but was dissolute student once, and has a number of young, single gay friends with interesting love lives... No of course not.